Hi guys. It's finally Saturday, and I am so relieved to find at least some time to update my rusty blog. I was reading blogs and stuff and then I realized that I have no purpose in life. I'm not really on track to realize my dream, and I doubt I'm even one quarter way there. I was talking to a senior here, Kai Boon, who's taking engineering. He mentioned that out of the many actuarial math majors who came here from INTEC, it's obvious that only 2 of them will even be close enough to realize their dreams and become an actuary *Note: it's just an actuary, not even a successful one yet, mind you*.
After talking to him, I started thinking of my life. All my life, I never had a purpose. I went through primary school, secondary school and then went to Singapore, without actually seeing a clear path ahead of me. I mean everything had been smooth sailing so far, but I just went along with the plans without really planning ahead. When I imagine myself 10 years later, I cannot see where I stand. I joined everything out of pure interest, and I learned a lot as I go on. But, there was never once that I actually planned what I'm going to learn to get me closer to my dream.
Talking about dreams, sometimes I'm not even sure whether this path is the right path for me. The more I read about the career as an actuary, the more interested I am in it. However, I still find myself wondering whether this career is really for me. All I know about being an actuary is that I will be calculating how much risk a person will face, and then turn it into terms of money to set the premium which he or she will pay for insurance. If you ask me any questions about being an actuary, I don't really know. Ask me why I chose to study actuarial math, I can only tell you it was recommended by my counselor. It's not that I don't like the field, I do like math, I don't hate probability, I don't mind doing repetitive jobs, and I don't mind staying in office for the rest of my life. That was a year before. Lately, I find myself changing. I still love math, I still don't mind doing repetitive jobs, but I started getting sick of staying in the same place for prolonged periods of time. I'm already sick of Ann Arbor now, and I feel a sudden urge to just leave and go backpacking somewhere else. I now understand my sister, why she felt like traveling so much. Even Jia Min was like that towards the end of 2007.
Talking about traveling, Fall Break is coming and it's only for 4 days. I signed up for work for two of the days, and now I feel like I should just drop them and go travel somewhere. They said Chicago is the closest place to Ann Arbor, and would be an ideal place for us to travel for the first time. Till now, only Kai Liang feels like leaving this place. At first, I was reluctant to use that much money, but then when I thought about it again, I find that it's a worthwhile investment. If I work during the break, I earn money, which get taxed anyway, and I feel so tired and depressed after the break, which is totally against the purpose of the break. If I use up some money, and go traveling, I come back a much happier person and rejuvenated to start my war with my courses again. It just makes so much sense for me to go traveling instead of working. I'm so desperate to the extent that if no one wants to come with me, I'll just go to Chicago alone. I just need to get out of this place. I've been quite emotional lately, at first I suspect it's just the lighting here. The light in my room is built at the other end, and at night, I only rely on the table lamp for light. It's really dark, and it depresses me. So I end up emoing almost every night. I know something's not right, I've never felt like this before. I need to go somewhere to release all the bad energy away, and get back my enthusiasm. I just need to. And when I come back, I'm going to start making plans for my future. I'll have to decide when I'm going to take the actuarial papers, and perhaps start looking for internships. No harm starting early. If I get any, I'll benefit, and at the same time, if I don't get it, I'll still gain experience. Everything to gain, nothing to lose. My best principle so far: if you find something like this, grab it and never let go. Opportunities don't knock on your door twice. Now that I'm in US, I should immerse myself into it and get the most out of it. No point staying here and living like how I used to. I might as well give the chance to someone else who deserves it more than I do.
Ok, I know that this post is quite long and hard to read, as the points are all jumbled up together. But that's how I am right now. My thoughts are all jumbled up, and I need some time to sort them into how they used to be. So long, I'll be right back. And I promise I'll make a change in my life. You'll see a new me in a while. I swear.
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